


Daddy Dearest

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-25
Updated: 2006-12-25
Packaged: 2019-01-19 16:15:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Mr. Evans has 10 simple rules for dating his daughter.  10 simple rules he knows James will not cross.  Those 10 rules that will make James’ night a living hell.





	Daddy Dearest

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Mr. Evans has 10 simple rules for dating his daughter.  10 simple rules he knows James will not cross.  Those 10 rules that will make James’ night a living hell.  

Mr. Evans sighs, as he sees a car pull outside of his house.  _Here we go again_ , he thinks and reclines in his chair.  A quick friendly tap of the horn brings him to attention.  His daughter, the talented and beautiful Lily Evans sprints down the stairs, curlers in her hair.

            “I’m running late, just have him come in!” She yells as she slides past his study.  Those words he’s heard so many times, it’s almost scripted.  

            “’Course,” He replies calmly and waits to catch the driver’s attention.  Once he does, he makes a welcoming gesture.  He hears the driver turn off the ignition and the sound of the door slamming shut.  

            “Mr. Evans, sir,” James Potter, his daughters date, addresses “oh so courteously”.  Mr. Evans stays silent and motions James into his study.  

            “Mr. Potter,” He pauses, as if looking for the right words.  “I have 10 simple rules, for dating Lily.”  James nods furiously.  “You have already broken rule number 1.”  James audibly gulps.

            “Erm, what exactly was rule number 1?” James asked as his fingers twitch in nervousness.  Mr. Evans sits back, steeples his fingers, he’s heard it makes one quite intimidated.

            “Rule number 1, when you pull up in my driveway and honk, I assume you’re delivering a package that I will personally come pick it up.” Mr. Evans finishes as James nods again.  

            “Right, er, sorry, sir,” James says quickly.  Mr. Evans thinks and puts his apology into consideration.  Nope, this boy would be nothing but trouble.  

“Now, onto the rest of the rules.  Rule number 2, if you touch my daughter in front of me or even look at her below the neck, I’ll kindly remove your hands and/or eyes. Which ever works.”  James nods again, surely Lily could hurry up to put him out of his misery.   “Rule number 3, I see that your shirt is unbuttoned to, what is that the third button? Well, I am aware that that might be the current fashion trend but to ensure that it will not come off at any time during the date,” Mr. Evans pauses and leans over and grabs something from the desk drawer.  “I can staple or nail your shirt securely to your neck, understand?”  James gulps again; terrified, hoping with all his might that Lily will come and save him.  “Rule number 4, No sex.  I am a barrier between you and Lily and I will surely kill you if I hear any word of what you tried.”  

            “Don’t worry, sir, I mean, we’re just on our second date,” James splutters hoping to make this situation less intimidating.  

            “Rule number 5,” Mr. Evans continues as if he hasn’t heard what James had said.  “Most people would get to know each other by talking about weather, sports, politics, etc.”             “Oh, right, of course.  So Mr. Evans, how do you think England’s Football team is this year?” James interrupts abruptly.

            “Never do this.” Mr. Evans continues again without acknowledging James comment.  “When I ask, when will you be home, the only answer I’m looking for is “early”.  Onto rule number six, no questions yet?”  James shakes his head in response and Mr. Evans smiles.  “Good.  Rule number 6, Lily has told me you’re a popular guy, so I would assume that they’re other girls that you could be dating. Unless she breaks up with you first, you’ll remain dating her no matter what.  You make her cry; I’ll make you cry.  Understand?”

            “Of course, sir,” James manages to squeak out, sliding down in his chair uncomfortably.

            “Rule number 7, if more that a hour goes by and you are still waiting for my daughter, you will not sigh or fidget.  If you wanted to be on time, you should have been here 3 hours before hand or you should not be dating.  Getting ready to look good for you, in some cases, could take the time it took to build Big Ben, so be prepared.  And on another note, if you are waiting for more than an hour, why aren’t you doing something useful for me?  Like changing my car’s oil?” 

            “Should of got here about 4 hours ago, huh?” James chuckles trying to lighten the moment.  Mr. Evans frowns, not looking very happy.

            “The other option is advisable,” He counters and continues on with rule 8.  “Now, rule number 8, you will _not_ bring her to any of the following places: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there is no supervision, no parents, policemen, nuns, etc. Places where there is darkness, dancing, holding hands, or general happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is hot enough for Lily to wear shorts or any scrap of fabric she calls clothes, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose-down parka zipped to her chin.  Movies with strong romantic themes _will_ be avoided.  Football games are okay,”

            “What about Quidditch?” James asks eagerly.  Mr. Evans shakes his head. 

            “They’re okay.  Old folks homes are better, though.” He replies and James slumps down in his seat in disappointment.  “Rule number 9, never _ever_ lie to me.  I may look stupid, old, and fat, but when we start talking about my daughter, I am the unrelenting God of your universe. I have a shotgun, shovel, and, if you look out that window, three acres behind me house.  Don’t mess with me.  And look, you’ve made it all the way to Rule number 10! Congratulations, I’ve never had a one of Lily’s boyfriend get past 8 before.”  Mr. Evans extends his hand and James cautiously grabs it and shakes.  Mr. Evans seems pleased and continues on with his list.  “Now, Number 10, I am a professional.  I don’t make mistakes when it comes to identifying the sound of your care.  When my radar acts up, I’ll already be cleaning my guns waiting for you.  Upon your arrival with my daughter, exit the car with both hands up, where I can see them! Speak the password about bringing my daughter back and return to your car.  There is no need for you to come inside.  If you see a face or hear a sound in a nearby bush, don’t mind, it’s just my shotgun and camouflaged face.”        

    “Daddy? James?” Lily’s voice echoes through the hall.  “Where did you go?” Mr. Evans smiles and gestures James to go out of his office.

“C-could you clarify rule number 8 again, sir? The bit about overalls and a parka?” James stutters as his eyes followed Lily down the stairs.  She walks gracefully down wearing a simple black dress that looked so good on her; rules numbers 1 though 10 had completely slipped his mind. 


End file.
